Choosing your wedding party: how many, who, and what to ask

Anna Post of the Emily Post Institute writes that there is no required number of attendants, and that you don’t need as many bridesmaids as groomsmen. Etiquette writer Myka Meier, speaking to PureWow, agrees there is no limit, but offers a working cap: no more than twice as many bridesmaids as groomsmen, so each groomsman can escort two.

Parties are shrinking. According to research by The Knot reported by Axios, the average wedding party fell from 10 people in 2019 to eight, four on each side. Esther Lee, editorial director at The Knot, told Axios the shift is mostly about couples doing things their own way. Axios adds that many friends are worried about money, which makes a big ask harder. When PureWow asked its Instagram followers how many bridesmaids is too many, the average answer was a little over seven.

Some couples skip a wedding party altogether. Axios notes that they still tend to have their closest friends get ready with them and join the group photos.

Post’s usual list is siblings, close relatives and good friends who are reliable, able to be involved, and will act as gracious extra hosts on the day. You aren’t obliged to ask a friend because you were in her wedding, and you aren’t required to ask your partner’s sister, though Post calls it a generous way to get to know someone who will be part of your life.

Two people PureWow asked offer tests for the harder calls. Jen Glantz, who runs a business supplying hired bridesmaids, suggests imagining who you’d want stuck in an elevator with you when you’re nervous and hungry. Jennifer Brisman, a New York wedding planner, asks clients who they expect still to be close to in 15 years, and warns against ranking friends, which she says breeds drama.

Nothing says a bride’s attendants must be women or a groom’s must be men. Inside Weddings lists the names couples tend to use: bridesmen, groomsmaids or groomswomen, a man of honor or a best woman, or simply wedding party attendant for everyone.

For clothes, the magazine describes two approaches: dress people by gender regardless of side, or color code each side so a bridesman wears a suit that picks up the bridesmaids’ color. In the processional, pair people however they’re comfortable, or have everyone walk in alone, which plenty of traditional weddings do anyway.

Post says you can ask as soon as the engagement is announced, and should decide no later than six months before the wedding, or three months for a short engagement. Give each person time to think before answering, because the role costs money as well as time.

Bridebook, a UK wedding planning company, says to settle at the start what attendants pay for and what you’ll cover, so the money talk happens once. If you’re asking them to buy an outfit, give them as much notice as you can, since a dress is far easier to save for over two years than over two months.

The Emily Post Institute’s list for all attendants is short: buy their own outfit, be on time and easy to reach, come to the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner, attend other parties when they can, give a gift alone or with the group, and look after the other guests on the day.

The maid of honor helps choose the bridesmaids’ clothes, holds the ring and bouquet during the ceremony, and witnesses the signing of the marriage certificate. The best man has the most to do: he makes sure the groomsmen arrive on time and dressed, delivers the prearranged payments to the officiant and musicians, keeps the bride’s ring, and gives a toast. Groomsmen and ushers seat guests and help anyone who needs it.

Post is clear about the limits. Bridesmaids are not obliged to throw a shower, and the stories of attendants signing contracts or meeting demands that would need a salary are, in her word, horror stories.

In US etiquette, attendants pay for their clothes, alterations, shoes and accessories and for their own travel, while the couple pays for the flowers they carry and arranges their lodging. Post adds a thank-you gift from the couple to each attendant; the rehearsal dinner is a good moment to hand it over.

Bridebook’s UK guide differs on two points. It says the bride’s family traditionally paid for the dresses, though bridesmaids now often buy their own, and it puts travel and accommodation on the bridesmaids, suggesting a discounted room block to help. Both agree the couple covers flowers. Bridebook adds a rule of thumb: if you set strict requirements, such as an expensive dress or a professional hair and makeup look, you should pay for them, and if a bridesmaid can’t afford the outfit, try to find the money rather than drop her.

Inside Weddings suggests doing it over coffee or a long phone call, and saying it was a hard decision. Only say you had to make room for sisters or cousins if that’s true and your party is small; with a large one, she’ll see through it.

Offer a real role if you have one: a reading, a song, handing out programs, or ushering. Meier suggests readings or lighting candles. Inviting her to the bachelorette party along with other friends who aren’t attendants also helps, so she isn’t the only one left out.