Who gets a plus-one at a wedding, and how to say no

Etiquette writer Anna Post puts spouses, fiancés and live-in partners on the must-invite list, whether or not you know or like them. Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette, quoted in Vogue Scandinavia, calls such a guest “part of a package deal.” Both sources also count a few people couples tend to forget: the officiant’s spouse or partner, and the parents of any flower girl or ring bearer.

Partners who don’t live together are where sources start to differ. Junebug Weddings says it is customary to include anyone who has been dating for over a year, unless the relationship clearly isn’t serious. Easy Weddings says long-term couples should usually be invited together even before they share an address, and Bridebook treats anyone in a committed long-term relationship as part of a pair. Anna Post’s firm list stops at live-in partners. Strictly, a known partner isn’t a plus-one at all. Easy Weddings advises writing both names on the invitation rather than “and guest.”

An “and guest” for single friends and relatives isn’t required, Anna Post writes, but it is greatly appreciated when the budget allows, especially for the wedding party and close family. Amber Harrison of Shutterfly, quoted in Vogue Scandinavia, goes further: everyone in the wedding party gets one, whatever their relationship status, as thanks for the work they put in. Bridebook agrees.

Easy Weddings adds immediate family, guests traveling a long way, and anyone outside your main circles who won’t know the other guests. Junebug’s example is a childhood friend who lives far away: you and your families will barely have time to talk to them on the day, so a companion means they can enjoy themselves.

Bridebook’s list of guests who don’t need a plus-one: close single friends who will know other people there, colleagues, distant relatives, and anyone who turns up with a new date every time. Easy Weddings adds friends in very new relationships, if they started dating only weeks before the invitations went out, and coworkers, unless you are close to their partner outside work. The Australian site also notes that catering often runs above $150 to $200 a head, and you aren’t obliged to pay that for people you have never met.

The Posts ask for consistency: if you let one single guest outside the wedding party bring a casual date, every single guest should be allowed to. If the budget can’t stretch that far, they suggest a rule that is easy to explain, such as plus-ones only for single attendants.

Sources disagree about returning the favor. Bridebook says that if a friend invited you as a couple, it is only fair to do the same. Wedding planner Matthew David Hopkins, in Vogue Scandinavia, says you don’t owe anyone that, and suggests explaining your decision if a friend is hurt.

Guests disagree as well. In research by the jeweler Pandora UK, reported by County Wedding, 62% of Brits said only certain people should get a plus-one, 19% said anyone who wants one should, and 19% said only people who know the couple should be invited. The wedding expert quoted there, Daisy Bradley, notes that a venue with a firm capacity takes some of the pressure off, because the limit isn’t yours to bend.

With a traditional inner envelope, the inner one lists everyone invited; Harrison’s rule for guests is that your name alone means no plus-one. With a single envelope or an online invitation, Vogue Scandinavia and Junebug both advise writing out every name: both full names for a couple, and the friend’s name followed by “and guest” for an open plus-one.

Easy Weddings suggests capping the guest count on an online RSVP form at the number of seats you have given each guest, so nobody can type in an extra name. Bridebook tells guests to read the reply card the same way: a line saying two seats have been reserved suggests you may bring someone, and one seat means you can’t.

Ask first, the Posts say: a friend’s relationship may have become serious since you wrote the list, and if it has, try to include the partner. If you simply don’t have room, Harrison and Junebug suggest a kind answer by phone or in person rather than by email.

Bridebook says it is fine to say no without over-explaining or apologizing, and suggests offering to celebrate together another time. It also warns that one exception tends to set off more, because people talk. Easy Weddings agrees: blame the venue and the budget, keep it short, and hold the line if the guest pushes.

The advice for guests matches. Asked what to do when you weren’t given a plus-one, Lizzie Post of the Emily Post Institute told the Bangor Daily News: nothing. If you were given one and your date drops out, she says to call the couple and ask before bringing someone else, so the wrong name doesn’t end up on a table card.

Vogue Scandinavia, Junebug and Easy Weddings all advise against a singles table, which can feel like a corral. Seat solo guests with friendly, outgoing couples, and make sure each one has at least a familiar face or two at the table.