How to write your own wedding vows

Not every ceremony has room for vows you wrote yourself. In a Catholic wedding, the exchange of consent uses approved wording. Msgr. William J. King, writing for Simply Catholic, says the couple may choose between the approved texts in the rite but is not free to compose their own vows. He points to other places for your own words: a prayer or reflection within the rite, or more freely at the rehearsal or the reception. Other faiths and individual clergy vary, so ask your officiant before you start, not after you’ve finished.

In England and Wales, the law fixes part of the wording too. Buckinghamshire Council’s ceremony page says there are words prescribed by law that you must say, that you choose one declaration and one set of contracting words from a short list, and that you cannot mix or change them. Personal vows, where offered, come in addition to those legal words.

A civil ceremony in England adds one more rule. East Sussex County Council says personal vows must be non-religious, and that the traditional “to have and to hold” vow cannot be used in part or in full because those words belong to religious ceremonies. Ask your register office whether it needs to see your text in advance, and by when.

In the US, there is usually more freedom. Paperlust, a stationery seller, notes that your officiant handles whatever legal language your state requires. Ask them where your personal vows sit in the running order, and whether they want a copy in advance.

You don’t need to share your drafts, but you do need to agree the format. Joy, which sells wedding websites, advises a conversation about format before either of you writes, coordinating length in advance, and settling whether you’re going funny or serious.

Settle four things in ten minutes: a rough word count, the tone, whether you’ll read each other’s vows before the day, and who speaks first. A mismatch is what guests notice, such as one partner reading a careful two minutes after the other has told three jokes in thirty seconds.

Paperlust’s template has three parts: an opening that grounds the vows in your story, the promises themselves, and a closing declaration. It suggests three to five promises and says a few specific ones work better than a long run of generic ones.

In practice, that means writing three short blocks. First, one memory: the moment you knew, or a small scene that shows who your partner is. Second, what you love: two or three qualities, each with an example (“you remember the name of every waiter” beats “you’re kind”). Third, your promises: mix one large promise with a couple of small, concrete ones, then close with a single line that says you choose them.

If you freeze, borrow the bones of a traditional vow. WeddingsOnline, an Irish planning site, suggests existing religious vows as a blueprint: a name, the word love, and a promise about the future. Write badly first; cut later.

Guides agree on short but disagree on how short. Joy and Paperlust both give 150 to 250 words per person. Joy says aim for one to two minutes; Paperlust’s read-aloud test is stricter at 60 to 90 seconds. WeddingsOnline recommends two minutes at most and ideally one, noting that an average one-minute speech is about 130 words. Bridebook, a UK planning platform, is the most generous: at least one minute and no more than four per person, with two to three as its ideal.

Pick a number together and hold each other to it. Then time it. Read your draft aloud at the pace you’d use in a quiet room, with a timer running. If it runs long, Paperlust’s advice is to cut the most generic promises first.

Inside jokes are where the sources split. Paperlust is strict: if someone in the third row would not understand a line, cut it, because vows are a public declaration. Joy is gentler and says one or two references only your partner gets can be charming. A fair middle: keep one, and make sure the sentence around it still makes sense to everyone else.

Oversharing is the other trap. Bridebook reminds you that family, friends and colleagues will be listening. Paperlust adds that if a memory belongs to your partner, ask before you use it.

Leave former partners out. Social Life Magazine’s guide to second-marriage vows says to resist comparing this relationship to earlier ones and to avoid apologizing for the past. If you have children from before, a brief, warm mention of the family you’re forming is welcome; anything longer belongs in a private moment.

Vows are written for speaking, so the draft is not done until you’ve said it. WeddingsOnline says to read every draft out loud. Joy suggests at least five full read-throughs before the wedding; Paperlust says at least ten, which takes the edge off the emotion and shows you where the rhythm stumbles. Bridebook suggests starting at least two weeks out.

On the day, read from paper. Joy and Paperlust both warn against a phone: it looks informal, and Paperlust notes the screen can lock mid-sentence. Print a clean copy on card or use a vow book, and practice looking up from it at your partner. If your voice catches, stop, breathe and carry on.