What the maid of honor and best man actually do

The Emily Post Institute describes the best man as the groom’s main assistant through the planning and the leader of the groomsmen and ushers. Its writers add that supporting the groom as a friend matters more than any task on the list. The best man doesn’t have to be a man; the Institute uses “honor attendant” for anyone in the role who isn’t, and says a groom’s child under 18 can take it, with a trusted adult groomsman doing much of the work.

Green Wedding Shoes, a US wedding blog, calls the maid of honor the leader of the bridesmaids. She is the point person for their dresses, the parties and the wedding day schedule, and sometimes the peacemaker when tempers run short. Bridebook, a UK wedding planning company, describes her role in Britain in much the same way and notes some couples now use titles like person of honor.

Bridebook suggests that the first thing a new maid of honor does is sit down with the bride, to hear what she wants from the pre-wedding events and to be honest about her own time and budget. Most falling-outs between a bride and her maid of honor, it says, come from duties nobody discussed.

From there the work is fairly predictable. She goes to dress appointments and fittings, and Bridebook suggests she learn how the dress fastens and how the train bustles, since she’ll be doing both on the day. She coordinates the bridesmaids’ dresses, and Bridebook advises leaving five to six months for those orders so there’s time for alterations or returns.

Then come the parties. Bridebook suggests starting on the bachelorette or hen party three to six months ahead and collecting payments up front so nobody argues about money during the weekend. A bridal shower is mostly an American custom, usually two to eight weeks before the wedding. Green Wedding Shoes says the maid of honor can help plan it or co-host, and Bridebook notes that anyone close to the bride may host.

The best man’s best-known job is the bachelor party, or stag do in the UK. Bridebook’s guide for best men says the guest list should be one the groom approves, and the plan should fit a budget, given that the groom is already paying for a wedding. The Emily Post Institute adds that he coordinates the groomsmen’s gift if they give one together.

He also helps the groom choose outfits for himself and the groomsmen, according to HELLO! magazine, and Bridebook suggests a group chat so everyone knows when the fittings are. In the last few weeks, Bridebook says, he mostly reminds the groomsmen when to arrive and helps with loose ends such as car hire.

On money, the Emily Post Institute says the best man, like every attendant, pays for his own wedding clothes and his travel, but not his accommodation. He should expect to pay for any haircut or shave unless the groom offers to cover it.

The maid of honor helps the bride into her dress, keeps the bridesmaids on schedule, and carries the kit for small emergencies: pins, tissues, painkillers, blister plasters. At the front of the ceremony she takes the bride’s bouquet and straightens the train and veil, Green Wedding Shoes says, and she holds the ring the bride will give her partner. Afterward she bustles the dress, makes sure the bride eats, and helps with trips to the bathroom.

The best man keeps the groom calm and fed and gets the groomsmen there dressed and on time. In the Emily Post Institute’s list, he keeps the bride’s ring and hands it to the groom during the ceremony; Bridebook describes him handing the rings to the officiant when asked. Ask your officiant how they like to do it. Post also gives him the groom’s payments to prepare and deliver to the officiant, musicians and singers after the ceremony.

Later, Post says, he drives the couple to the reception if no driver is hired, has a car ready for their exit, gathers the groom’s clothes and returns any rentals the next business day. Bridebook adds helping round up guests for group photos and keeping an eye on the groom’s phone and wallet late at night.

The Emily Post Institute lists witnessing the signing of the marriage certificate among the best man’s duties, and Bridebook’s checklist has the maid of honor signing the register if asked. Nothing requires it to be those two, as long as whoever signs meets the local rules.

The rules themselves are local. GOV.UK says a civil ceremony in England and Wales needs at least two witnesses, who sign the marriage schedule with the couple and the registrar. In the US the number of witnesses, and whether you need any, depends on the state, so ask the office that issues your license before you choose who signs.

In the US, the Emily Post Institute says the best man gives the first toast to the couple at the reception. In the UK, Bridebook gives the traditional order, after the meal: the father of the bride, the groom, the best man, then the maid of honor if she’s speaking, the bride if she wishes, and a parent of the groom if there is one. It calls that order flexible.

The maid of honor’s speech is newer and optional. Bridebook says nobody will mind if she would rather not speak. For the best man it suggests about five minutes, a few stories and a warm toast to finish, practiced out loud beforehand. The Emily Post Institute’s advice on tone is short: he should be supportive and respectful, and never embarrassing.

You may not want every job on these lists, so decide which ones you actually want done and send each person a short note: the timeline for the day, which ring they hold, whether there are payment envelopes and who they go to, who signs as a witness, and whether you hope for a speech. A planner or venue coordinator may already cover some of these, so tell them what’s already handled too.

If you don’t want a shower, a bachelor party or a speech, say so early, before anyone spends months planning it.